blogposting inevitable spacecast
\\05082026
\this month, I decided not to be miserable anymore.
i really wish i knew what came over me, what was going on inside my mind to make me so miserable. i'm sure i could labor over reasons, but changing is more important than solving the mystery.
our friends came and slept in our house for a week. i've been at work every day since they left. i used up every penny i made to pay off my debts. the money is gone.
i used the last of my energy to clean up all the messes of my misery. the mold is gone. i used whatever time i had left to enjoy the sounds of the world i live inside of.
and the rain came down hard like stars in the evening light.
i put in damn near sixty hours a week. i do what i need to do to survive. to not eat like shit every day. to put gas in the cars. to fix the issues if i can.
i'm a good little worker, i try not to hate it, for my own sake, and still they shout from the rooftops, oppress. take away my dignity, my divine journey, my community.
i took five days off. today is the first day. last night i stood in a place that reminded me of myself. i'm getting on the road again. i'm not miserable anymore.
\\the first step to fixing it is loving it.
the first step to fixing my country is loving it. the first step to fixing my life is loving it. the first step to fixing my relationships is loving them. the first step is always loving. it's hard to move without love.
i'm tired, but i was up late with the people i love. and i was up early to work towards a life that i love.
i didn't want to create anymore, i didn't know if it would be worth it in the end.
to create is to love, though.
just do everything as an action of love.
and whatever comes after, is only proof of a life lived in the light of goodness and god.
something made me think i had to be small and angry to deserve to be loved by the world.
something made me cold, made me think the effort was not worth it, but effort has gotten me to every divine place i've ever been.
effort has brought me every person i've had the honor to spend any time with at all.
effort has shown me the tangible results of actions of self-love and respect and belief in myself.
//so i'll listen to the music i want to.
and i'll smile and dance even when nobody else does, even if i'm not a very good dancer, because, god, i'm just so happy to be off work.
i'll introduce myself to whichever people i want to, and i'll be curious and i'll take our exchanges seriously. meaningfully.
and i won't need to prove myself to anyone. if they understand, we will share the light of love with each other when the time is right.
i will look out for my people whenever i can, but i will not let them depend on only me, because i know that a life requires a network, and i am only me.
and i will create before wondering what the next steps are, because each step is fun.
life is fun, i shouldn't be miserable. this is fun, even in the face of the state.
so let's be alive, before anyone takes away that god-given right from us.
\\04212026
\jump.
i'm twenty. the past two years have felt like a lifetime. i cant believe it's only been two years.
i know what i want. all i have to do is jump.
if i jump, maybe i'll land in a pile of papers, scrawled upon by the next generation of thinkers. artists. I will respect their minds. encourage play, i know nobody else will.
maybe i can keep writing. maybe i can free one mind. just one would be enough. if i jump-
i'm certain that on the way down, most the cash will fall from my pockets, the people will shake their heads at my tumble, scoff at my lack of grace.
but i can't stand up here on this cliff waiting for the world to want to do it with me.
we do everything alone. even when we're together. there's no way around it. nobody feels like i do, even when they do. i'll be a saxophone.
\\i'm sick of my mouth. tell me about your dreams. is it the cathedral in the forest or the blades that get so bloody to rebirth your friends?
is it the woman sewing the fabric of reality or is it the old gray policewoman
that sees you've climbed to the highest windowsill and forces you and your friends into a dirty fast food restaurant to work off your sentence?
do i really need to pay for all of this? is it all transactional? no. it's just a dream. the justice is your awakening. you can say anything you want.
you can believe anything you want.
nobody ever told me any type of god was real.
my father raised me to believe that there was nothing to live for, because there's nothing to do but pay off your debt for being alive.
fear was my god for eighteen years. god is dead.
i'm the one choosing to worship the shoes i tie to my feet. the man who cannot stand being in my arms for very long. the friends i can't keep in good touch with. the socks i've worn holes into.
i'm choosing to sip the sweetness of each bit of light. i'm choosing to believe the love is there. the future is not darker, it's brighter.
everyone I love can play the guitar. so can i.
so can I.
so can I.
so can I. so can I.
so can i.///
\\04112026
\i'm worth it.
eating bad fish. doing things the wrong way. hating the word "deserve."
i won't let me let you let me be nothing. i won't let you let me let you be nothing.
i've checked out. i'll learn my own way. i won't ask any more questions. i won't.
to be loose and free and alive in an age of fear and death.
\\all of this was designed in a way, before you were born, that drains your body, mind, spirit, connection to nature, and will to live. then, avid participants in the system will turn around and make it your moral, ethical, and financial responsibility to buy a cure to their disease. to assimilate yourself completely and succeed by working for and buying products from the machine that destroyed your home, all while placing the blame on imagined groups of identities.
\\03302026
\some days I hate the world so much that I cannot get out of bed. I pray for music to play in my mind all of the time, yet I am too afraid to be seen dancing. I pray to feel the light radiating inside me all of the time, yet I feel ashamed to be smiling when all of this terrible war and devastation and moral panic is being streamlined into the consciousness of all of my comrades. I am terrified. I pray for reformation. I pray that I'm not the only one who can see it. I pray that someday, serving the system is seen as a pathetic act, rather than a heroic one.
I'm at an age in my life now that my future and career will be determined by the seeds I sow here and now. I am aware of this, sometimes too aware of it. sometimes I am so aware of it that I paralyze myself. and I feel horrible after this paralysis occurs. this guilt causes me to call myself to action. this guilt calls me to start anew.
​
so I start. I've been starting. I start over and over and over again. but I never go anywhere. I get far enough, and then it all just stops. I don't want to stop./
I want to go. I know exactly what I'm afraid of. I can spend entire days identifying what is "wrong" with me. what needs to change, what I need to learn, who I need to be.
the only thing left to do is start, and continue on any path that I choose, but I haven't built up that much trust in myself.
I've never finished anything.
and it feels so much more noble to avoid fueling my own joy in order to easily flow along with the world around me.
but I will begin to fuel it. I will begin for the first last time.
and I will go with what I have. I will go terrified. I will go anxious. I will go into trouble and I will find my way out of it. I will go down my truest, purest, most terrifying path, because time moves me whether I move myself or not. I will take what I have and I will make something of it. I will make it my resistance.
the writing, my words, my paintings, my love, my eyes, the goodness that I believe in, the light I wish to be.
​
I believe in artmaking as an alternative to death.
I believe in worshipping nature.
I believe in technological liberation.
I believe in the freeing of the spirit from the current consumerist culture.
I believe in a radical revolution for love.
thank you. elliot hazel.